In this week’s roundup, we look back on some of Jennifer Lopez biggest red carpet hits and misses. This column relies on people leaving the house and going to events. The fact that we’re dealing with a global pandemic right now means obviously, that is not a good idea. In fact, it’s straight up not happening.
THE SUBLIME – 2016: Last year, someone commented, “Yes Nicki step on me”, on Nicki Minaj’s Instagram.
THE GREAT – 2017: Absolute Valley of the Dolls/Stepford Wives/Lana del Rey vibes here, and I mean that in the best possible way.
THE GOOD – 2016: I’m genuinely shocked by how demure Jennifer Lopez’s chosen outfit this week was. This below-the-knee, long-sleeved dress is by Ermanno Scervino, and it looks fabulous on her, proving Jenny can look as sexy completely covered up as she does when barely encased in illusion mesh
THE GOOD – 2019: It hasn’t escaped my notice that this is essentially a fancy duvet cover, or maybe a very lush curtain. Jennifer Lopez looks a bit like that thing women do after sex in movies, where they strip the bed and swan around in a sheet so as to avoid being naked on camera.
THE GOOD – 2020: No-one else in the world could wear this Georges Hobeika gown as well as living la vida Lopez. It’s essentially a sheeny beige body-stocking with some well-placed rhinestones and it would look like a super-cheap polyester job on most, but 50-year-old Jenny-from-the-bougie-block has an unparalleled ability to make dresses sing (let’s be honest
THE GO BOLD – 2018: Here’s Jennifer Lopez in Giambattista Valli. I’m not sure if this compares favourably to Rihanna’s 2015 Grammys look from the same designer.
THE WILDCARD – 2019: On paper, this Zimmerman shouldn’t work. Head to toe mulberry leather is a whole lot of lewk, but then a woman with the style gravitas of Jennifer Lopez should be able to pull it off.
MIDSECTION MADNESS – 2015: My love for Jennifer Lopez knows few bounds, but one of them is a sheer mesh serving of her entire belly. Does this Charbel Zoe dress signal that stomach peekaboo is about to be a thing?
THE BAD – 2018: There were some more ‘shocking’ (nude mesh etc, etc) bads out there this week, but I decided to put this one in because, being the most beautiful woman in the world, Jennifer Lopez needs to be held to a higher standard than this twee, ‘background-dancer-in-a-Katy-Perry-music-video-about-cupcakes’ Ester Abner dress.
THE BAD – 2018: Jennifer Lopez here is showing the pitfalls of being a little too extra thanks to this Versace (natch). If anyone can work as many crucifixes as the Vatican it’s J-Lo, but even she’s struggling to make this papal pin-up girl look seem like a good idea.
THE BAD – 2018: Oh, Jennifer Lopez, why do you do this to us? You have such high peaks, but such low troughs when it comes to your wardrobe, and these Versace boots might be the lowest of the low.
THE BAD – 2020: ‘Jennifer Lopez in Valentino’ has so much promise to it. It sounds expensive, excessive and fabulous. Instead, here’s our Hustler in chief dressed as a Christmas present.